Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
