What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize