Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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