either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
