Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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