Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
