Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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