I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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