my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
