she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
