GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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