wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
