He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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