life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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