So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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