walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
