please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
organizing the empties. That sober.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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