my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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