Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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