Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
