i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
