Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
