Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
