NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
