College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
