you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
