i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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