I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
