My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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