Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
