We named our party play list daddy issues
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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