I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
