Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
