I'm jealous of your bromance
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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