I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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