I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
