he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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