he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
