My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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