i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
