I just pynch a tree in the face
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
