So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you made out with another girl for some wings
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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