My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
