i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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