there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
