Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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