The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
