when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
