all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
