I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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