my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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