The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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