He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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