Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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