drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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