So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
