i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
