i think i have herpe
just one?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
