i just wanna soil my oats bro
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
