How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
