the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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