explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
