Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
