I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
