Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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