Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So much Jack, so little girl.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
