be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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