In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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