do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
